The Tale of Philip Death Part 2

In a second I was in the back office all alone with the doors locked, I started to freak out. On the ground I saw the tape gun on the shelf and in an instant I was bent right over I had my pants around my ankles trying to tape the arse of my pants back together from the inside whist pushing my whole body into one corner of the office so I could avoid being filmed by the cctv camera’s directly over head. At this point I should mention I am an over weight thirty four-year-old man with a big bum. Back and forth I taped my pants until it looked like a spiders web. this was going to be very uncomfortable but all I wanted to achieve now was to get Philip out of the store and at best save a shred of dignity. ‘That looks like it could work’, I thought looking at charlottes web of sticky tape on the inside of my pants. I pulled my pants up and instantly the tape started to pull away, it absolutely didn’t work. – dammit! So now I had blown the arse of my pants to shreds and secondly I now had some strange sticky tape collage hanging out the back giving my bum a similar appearance to a half opened Christmas present. Someone knocked at the door and I screamed at in a terrified high pitch voice ‘you can’t come in! Leave me alone you bastards you know what’s happening!” I was now delirious with anxiety.

We had a casual staff member working in that store for a little while, her name escapes me so lets call her Persephone. Persephone was a very lovely neat shy young girl who had trouble being self-assertive so she went to a mellower store. In her locker was a beautiful Black Benetton cardigan (Benetton use some lovely cotton so soft) a cardigan she had forgotten to take with her and one she would never see again.
I have now been in the office for two and a half minutes and I see Persephone’s cardigan. Grabbing it with one hand I rip the sticky tape out of my bum with my other hand in one fluid motion I tie the cardigan around my waist grab the handle of the door –Pause deep breath and return to Philip.
“I am truly so sorry Philip I am very embarrassed” he signs the contract without emotion and I start to usher him towards the door. Not knowing what he was really thinking and probably never will. But if I could choose what customer to serve while my pants exploded it would have been him. Nice guy.
A few weeks later he came back to pay his first bill and thankfully out of embarrassment I didn’t have to serve him but for a moment our eyes met and we had a moment and I can say without ego he looked a little bit disappointed I didn’t serve him.
Since then on occasion maybe on a date maybe with a friend someone does something really embarrassing and I say “Hey have I ever told you the story of Philip Death” and they feel better again, no more embarrassment. That’s the power of the Tale of Philip Death use it wisely my friends use it wisely.

The Tale Of Philip Death Part 1

Philip Death is a happy man so happy in fact he wore a t-shirt that said ‘smile if your gay’. He was my kind of customer before I could even ask him if I could help him he said “yep I want to get an iphone I know what I want” Lucky for him I no longer worked at hungry jacks as then his request might have sounded a little odd to say the least, I did however now work in a mobile phone store and yes we had iphones. ‘Sure come and take a seat all I need is a hundred points of I.D.’ As he sat down he placed his drivers licence on the table and there was his name Philip Death. Its an unusual name I am sure you will agree and I instantly started trying to think of some joke I could make about it so we could bond together have a laugh and to come to the logical conclusion that I was a great guy. Staring at his surname I noticed his body tense up as if he was dreading something so this is what I said ‘ huh so your names death ay? Have you ever noticed despite the cost of living how popular it remains?’ Instant cringe I know it was a bad dad joke at best but under the circumstances it’s all I had. We now sit in silence for what seems an eternity. Shrinking into my seat I turn to him and deeply apologised he quickly said ‘That’s ok is there a new (iphone) one of these coming out soon?’. There was but I needed the commission, daddy needs a new pair of shoes boo yah, I thought. ‘No their isn’t’ Ill just print out your contract.

The printer was two metres in front of were Philip and I were sitting and it was beeping loudly telling me there was a paper jam again. Bloody thing I thought standing in front of it, I squatted down and instantly heard a ripping sound that could only be the crouch of my pants. Shocked I stood up straight with my legs together and my back to Philip. Great concern drifted over my worried brow as on this day I was doing my own special interpretation of Arnold Swarzenegger in the movie ‘Comannado” So obviously I thought standing straight up with my legs together was the only way I could save a shred of dignity.

‘Anton!!’ I screamed and waved at the trainee oblivious to my predicament. ‘Mate my pants have ripped and the printer has jammed can you fix the paper jam I cant bend over’ I said starting to get a little freaked out. Anton starred at me blankly he could speak two languages fluently but neither of them was English he simply didn’t understand. Just then I felt a slight breeze underneath my belt yes that’s right underneath my belt!? I reach around still with my back to Philip Death and felt underneath my belt. It is then I realise that my pants hadn’t just ripped around the crotch but they had kind of exploded from the crotch of my pants right up the back to my belt and I had now been standing in front of my customer (Philip Death) with a bare arse and two bits of fabric either side of my cheeks blowing in the air conditioning for over a minute.

Dying a thousand deaths I sucked in as much oxygenas i could and turned towards Philip and with as much professiomalism as I could muster I said “Im terribly sorry Philip but my pants seemed to have ripped.” Philips face looked like I had just slapped him in the face with a large Salmon, I didn’t need to tell him my pants had ripped, he knew! he had been staring at my clacker for over a minute and a half. “Oh really?” he said sheepishly. This guy can act I thought.

(To Be Continued)

The Amazing Harry

Harry is my hero and I want to be like him. I first saw Harry sitting in a doorway on Oxford St one Saturday night singing to people as they walked by in 2003. He wasn’t busking or asking for money he was just singing to everybody and I don’t mean to people in earshot who could hear him singing - oh no! He was passionately serenading everyone who walked by, like every pedestrian meant the world to him.

Harry has lots of friends in Surry Hills and he truly has become one of the great personalities in the area. He can been seen some days walking around in his full army uniform and helmet or his cream dinner jacket and giant heart shaped glasses talking to the sky. I think it depends on his mood.

As you may or may not know Surry Hills is one of Sydney’s most happening villages. It is full of inner city bohemian artists, painters, Musicians and so forth all running around trying to be cool with a don’t give a fuck attitude. But when I watch them walk past Harry on the street it is clear they have failed. Harry doesn’t give a fuck what you think of him he just wants to have a chat and be friendly he doesn’t care what you wear or what you do he just wants to be happy and he would like you to be also.

Everyday in 2006 I would eat lunch at the Belgenny cafe on the corner of Bourke and Campbell St in Surry Hills. Sitting outside with my chicken salad, I would flirt with Anthea the waitress (who is worthy of a post herself) and more often than not Harry would arrive and start flirting with her too. Harry loved Anthea and I understood completely as I loved her to. He would always tell her that when she left the Belgenny Cafe to go on her overseas holiday he would bring her a bottle of scotch. Never really been sure why he chose Scotch. On Anthea’s last day Harry burst into the cafe with a big bunch of flowers a bottle of scotch and surprisingly clean clothes. It made her day and I wished I had thought of it.


ANTHEA BLANCO

Roughly a year later Sam Newman from the AFL Footy show decided to take his five minute weekly segment called Street Talk to the streets of Sydney, Oxford St to be exact and very quickly found Harry. Sam specialises in picking on people or bullying those with mental or intellectual disabilities so he can brashly attempt his humour, the likes of which Benny Hill or ‘HeyHey its Saturday’ would think twice about airing on television. In the interview with Sam, Harry was confused and didn’t know what was going on but you could tell he liked being on TV. Sam was cruel and went out of his way to shame him even more once they had thrown back to the studio. I felt dirty for watching it and found myself punching my lounge in disgust like Charlton Heston in the end of "Planet of the apes". A few days later I saw Harry sitting in the same doorway that he sat in during the Footy show segment. I went out of my way to tell him that he was awesome and he did really well. He said “really cause someone told me that I looked stupid" still looking confused and A bit vulnerable. I said "Nah no way mate you were great and don’t believe anyone who says different." I walked away from that conversation feeling great like I had done a really nice thing but I don’t think Harry cared that much. Sam Newman wasn’t even a speck on Harry's radar. You’re so cool Harry.

Today Harry is in love. This time with a beautiful Greek girl from a beauty salon in Taylor Square her name is Vaia Pappas. She is a friend of mine and is funny and has a kind soul and Harry can see it and likes it. Vaia has a soft spot for Harry, and I think Harry loves her - it seems he can’t wait to see her everyday. He will stand out the front of her salon screaming her name like Marlon Brando In "A Streetcar Named Desire" “VAIA!!!!”” About a month ago Harry’s photo was in The Sydney Telegraph Confidential pages with the Caption "Oxford St doesn’t ever change." A few days later Harry turned up out the front of Vaia's shop with an immaculately tailored white dinner jacket, giant heart shaped sunglasses and a little boom box playing the Split Enz song "What more can a poor boy do".(see youtube video below) When I heard this I can only stop and reflect about my own life and my own behaviour. I wonder what really is important in my life and what does Harry know that I don’t. Even through his insanity he appears to be truly connected to this planet and the people in it. I often think of Harry whenever I talk to those too cool for school Surry Hills bohemians and I am always left thinking how fake that pretence is and how fearful they are of not being cool that they sacrifice themselves completely. I can’t help thinking and sometimes saying at those times sorry but you and me aren’t really cool, have you ever met that guy around here in the army uniform called Harry. Let me tell you about him…


VAIA PAPPAS

I don’t know about you, but I take comfort in the fact there is a Harry. It’s good knowin' he's out there, old Harry, takin it easy for all us sinners. Shit I sure hope he gets a girlfriend one day I don’t like seeing that look of unrequited love in his eyes. Well that about does it I guess things don’t always end up all neat and tidy but things are pretty good for Harry and he sure has a few good stories when you need one. Well I just say that with all the pain, suffering and poverty in this world it warms my heart knowing that harry is out there spreading his own style of positive energy. See you soon Harry and take care.




The Amazing Harry