Monday, January 11, 2010

The Tale Of Philip Death Part 1


Philip Death is a happy man so happy in fact he wore a t-shirt that said ‘smile if your gay’. He was my kind of customer before I could even ask him if I could help him he said “yep I want to get an iphone I know what I want” Lucky for him I no longer worked at hungry jacks as then his request might have sounded a little odd to say the least, I did however now work in a mobile phone store and yes we had iphones. ‘Sure come and take a seat all I need is a hundred points of I.D.’ As he sat down he placed his drivers licence on the table and there was his name Philip Death. Its an unusual name I am sure you will agree and I instantly started trying to think of some joke I could make about it so we could bond together have a laugh and to come to the logical conclusion that I was a great guy. Staring at his surname I noticed his body tense up as if he was dreading something so this is what I said ‘ huh so your names death ay? Have you ever noticed despite the cost of living how popular it remains?’ Instant cringe I know it was a bad dad joke at best but under the circumstances it’s all I had. We now sit in silence for what seems an eternity. Shrinking into my seat I turn to him and deeply apologised he quickly said ‘That’s ok is there a new (iphone) one of these coming out soon?’. There was but I needed the commission, daddy needs a new pair of shoes boo yah, I thought. ‘No their isn’t’ Ill just print out your contract.

The printer was two metres in front of were Philip and I were sitting and it was beeping loudly telling me there was a paper jam again. Bloody thing I thought standing in front of it, I squatted down and instantly heard a ripping sound that could only be the crouch of my pants. Shocked I stood up straight with my legs together and my back to Philip. Great concern drifted over my worried brow as on this day I was doing my own special interpretation of Arnold Swarzenegger in the movie ‘Comannado” So obviously I thought standing straight up with my legs together was the only way I could save a shred of dignity.

‘Anton!!’ I screamed and waved at the trainee oblivious to my predicament. ‘Mate my pants have ripped and the printer has jammed can you fix the paper jam I cant bend over’ I said starting to get a little freaked out. Anton starred at me blankly he could speak two languages fluently but neither of them was English he simply didn’t understand. Just then I felt a slight breeze underneath my belt yes that’s right underneath my belt!? I reach around still with my back to Philip Death and felt underneath my belt. It is then I realise that my pants hadn’t just ripped around the crotch but they had kind of exploded from the crotch of my pants right up the back to my belt and I had now been standing in front of my customer (Philip Death) with a bare arse and two bits of fabric either side of my cheeks blowing in the air conditioning for over a minute.

Dying a thousand deaths I sucked in as much oxygenas i could and turned towards Philip and with as much professiomalism as I could muster I said “Im terribly sorry Philip but my pants seemed to have ripped.” Philips face looked like I had just slapped him in the face with a large Salmon, I didn’t need to tell him my pants had ripped, he knew! he had been staring at my clacker for over a minute and a half. “Oh really?” he said sheepishly. This guy can act I thought.

(To Be Continued)