Sunday, March 7, 2010

The Tale of Philip Death Part 2

In a second I was in the back office all alone with the doors locked, I started to freak out. On the ground I saw the tape gun on the shelf and in an instant I was bent right over I had my pants around my ankles trying to tape the arse of my pants back together from the inside whist pushing my whole body into one corner of the office so I could avoid being filmed by the cctv camera’s directly over head. At this point I should mention I am an over weight thirty four-year-old man with a big bum. Back and forth I taped my pants until it looked like a spiders web. this was going to be very uncomfortable but all I wanted to achieve now was to get Philip out of the store and at best save a shred of dignity. ‘That looks like it could work’, I thought looking at charlottes web of sticky tape on the inside of my pants. I pulled my pants up and instantly the tape started to pull away, it absolutely didn’t work. – dammit! So now I had blown the arse of my pants to shreds and secondly I now had some strange sticky tape collage hanging out the back giving my bum a similar appearance to a half opened Christmas present. Someone knocked at the door and I screamed at in a terrified high pitch voice ‘you can’t come in! Leave me alone you bastards you know what’s happening!” I was now delirious with anxiety.

We had a casual staff member working in that store for a little while, her name escapes me so lets call her Persephone. Persephone was a very lovely neat shy young girl who had trouble being self-assertive so she went to a mellower store. In her locker was a beautiful Black Benetton cardigan (Benetton use some lovely cotton so soft) a cardigan she had forgotten to take with her and one she would never see again.
I have now been in the office for two and a half minutes and I see Persephone’s cardigan. Grabbing it with one hand I rip the sticky tape out of my bum with my other hand in one fluid motion I tie the cardigan around my waist grab the handle of the door –Pause deep breath and return to Philip.
“I am truly so sorry Philip I am very embarrassed” he signs the contract without emotion and I start to usher him towards the door. Not knowing what he was really thinking and probably never will. But if I could choose what customer to serve while my pants exploded it would have been him. Nice guy.
A few weeks later he came back to pay his first bill and thankfully out of embarrassment I didn’t have to serve him but for a moment our eyes met and we had a moment and I can say without ego he looked a little bit disappointed I didn’t serve him.
Since then on occasion maybe on a date maybe with a friend someone does something really embarrassing and I say “Hey have I ever told you the story of Philip Death” and they feel better again, no more embarrassment. That’s the power of the Tale of Philip Death use it wisely my friends use it wisely.